Name Your Shame

Professional women and shame go hand-in-hand. One thing I encounter often with many of the women I work with is shame. Nobody really calls it shame, but it is shame. Maybe you are a working mom and you LOVE your career, but you feel guilty because you aren't home with your kids. Perhaps you've missed some milestones, and it tears you up inside. Perhaps you have a health issue that is uncomfortable to talk about, or a loved one has a health issue that is uncomfortable to talk about, so you try to act like it doesn't exist. Or maybe it is your weight; you are so worried about what everyone is thinking about you when you walk into the room, it overshadows your confidence in your ability. Shame may look like relationship issues, kid issues, money issues, smoking, drinking - get the picture?

Identify Your Shame

My guess is that you can relate to this because so many of us carry shame around on a daily basis and aren't even aware of it; shame might feel like a vice wrenching your gut tighter and tighter. Shame is powerful, it can make you feel unlovable or unworthy, and it festers in darkness and secrecy. Shame relies on you caring what other people think.

I have spent many years on the path of self-awareness and self-coaching. I’ve devoured books by Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Abraham, Ekhart Tolle - and many more. Some philosophies stick and some don’t, but I’m here to tell you there is a way to turn your guilt around, and it takes lots of practice! I invite you to "name your shame", get to know it, understand when it shows up, and know that every single time it does you have a choice. 

Your Personal Navigation System

Our feelings are our internal navigation system, just like the one on your phone or in your car that gets you from point A to point B. When you are on the right path, everything feels good and goes smooth. You feel motivated, inspired, empowered, and excited for the journey ahead. But sometimes on your navigation system, you see a red line of traffic, an obstacle ahead that is going to slow you down. The same thing happens inside of us when we have a thought that doesn't serve us. Here are a few examples. 

It is your daughter's first day of school. You usually don't drive her, but you want to today because she is nervous and excited and you know it is an opportunity for a memorable experience that you will both have forever. You also have a very important meeting that you are going to be late to. As much you KNOW you are doing the right thing, you feel anxiety because your boss is depending on you to share your work with a very important client, and you are so excited to have the opportunity. Your boss supports you and says she can start the meeting without you. In the car, your daughter is talking a mile a minute and you feel yourself getting irritated, which makes you feel even more guilty. Instead of being present in the moment, your thoughts are elsewhere. 

The thoughts you are having that may be causing these feelings might be "What would the other moms (my partner/my child) think if I don't participate in the first day of school. My boss is probably thinking that I should be there the minute the meeting starts, etc…."

Or

You have been working extra hours on a project that is very close to your heart. You love it. You are motivated to go towork every day, and your deadline is coming up so you have been bringing your work home. At home, your partner has made a few comments about the amount of time you are spending on work, and your kids have made comments about feeling ignored. You let it go, and make excuses: "just a few more minutes, tomorrow I'll spend extra time with you" or any variation that makes you feel better. However, on the inside, your feelings are driving that sinking physical sensation in your gut - shame. 

The thoughts you may be thinking in this scenario might be "I feel terrible bringing work home, I wish they understood, I just don't have time to do everything I need to get done, I am a terrible mom, maybe this job is too much."

Have You Identified YOUR Shame?

Can you relate? I see it over and over again and it shows up in my own life more often than I like. However, I learned a lesson several years ago that has helped immensely. Suffering of any kind is a warning sign that you've attached a thought to something that is not serving you. Therefore, you have a choice. Problems are only thoughts, and thoughts are harmless unless we believe them.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, it rocked my world. It was a circumstance that I could not change. The only choice I had was the thought I attached to my situation. I was lucky enough to have a friend with some great advice. Nicole told me "Embrace it, name it, invite it into your life and learn everything you can about it, and then kick it to the curb."  So that is what I chose to do. I named my cancer Carl and I approached it with curiosity and the willingness to accept it. And then I did everything possible to kick Carl's ass and about a year and a half later I was in full remission. I am a better, stronger person because I had cancer, not in spite of it. 

A New Perspective

However, I continue to work with this through self-coaching. Now that I am healthy, and have resumed my normal life, the subject of my cancer rarely comes up. I continue to take a chemo pill every day, and the effects, while subtle to others, are very prominent to me. When I think "I'm making people uncomfortable if I talk about my setbacks," it results in a feeling of guilt (shame) that not only do I not want to make others uncomfortable, but I don't want to appear weak or like I have a victim mentality. 

When this happens I say "cancel-cancel" and it triggers me to change my thought to a more positive one. "Those around me were so supportive when I was sick, I was loved and cared about more than I thought possible, I am a survivor and I am proud of myself. I am capable of dealing with my current setbacks."  This is much more empowering and gives me my control back. Attaching a positive thought to any challenging situation is a game-changer - if you believe it. 

This is why I love coaching others. Sometimes it just takes one session, and sometimes there is more work to do. Experiencing women change their thoughts from shame and guilt to pride and empowerment through self-awareness has truly become my purpose. 

I invite you to take a moment to think about the thoughts YOU have that may be holding you back. Invite them into your consciousness, name your shame, stay curious, pick a new thought that will serve you, and be the rock star that you are.